This page is dedicated to the people in this world that piss me off. There really is no distinction between the people that anger me and people in general, but to name EVERYONE would take too much time. Those mentioned here are the cream of the crop, A1 assbiters in my life. These people have thoroughly earned both my scorn and disdain, in that order. I wish a painful lingering death on all of them...but I'm not bitter.
As I said, I will not go on naming everyone, those that I hate specifically probably know already so I will deal in generalities.
Here is my table of contents:
(Standing for Dumb Jerkoff of course):
Those ever happy, ever hip, ever cool, boils on the ass of the airwaves. Those o'so priviledged few who always do us a favor by "bringing us the latest" from a given artist. Now putting aside the temporal inaccuracy of calling something 6 months old "brand new" for a moment, I would like to focus attention on the purpose of a DJ. They sit there putting in CD's or tapes and commercials basically as a failsafe if the player starts to skip. In most instances they have no choice in what gets played regardless of who requests what. Some tips for all of you budding DJ's out there...I wont bother with the existing herd since in my world order they would be amongst the first to be euthanized.
1. I don't give a shit about your radio antics so spin a CD monkeyboy and leave the comedy to....o, I dont know...a COMEDIAN!?!
2. When reading the weather, look out the fucking window first! (See my view on weathermen)
3. I wouldn't give you a used tampon to hear about what funny/odd thing happened to you as you came to work if I knew you personally. Don't waste my time with the trivialities of your life if you don't expect me to call the request line filling you in on my latest effort to dust my nic-naks.
4. Don't give me your opinion on any music. I don't care if you love Moody Blues because it reminds you of high school or U2 because you look like Bono. I don't fucking care! (Again, see #3)
5. If you don't know a lot about a given sport, don't adlib when reading the scores. If I hear another DJ say that the New York Islanders are beating the Florida Marlins I'm going to tear his spleen from his body in a rather uncomfortable way!
6. How about everyonce in awhile telling us what you played and without that o'so nifty vibrato effect you love to use.
7. Don't become a DJ. I hate those fuckers!
Anyone who lies, cheats, or otherwise withholds the truth from me resides in this category. This includes people who help the original liar to continue to deceive. All people in this group have earned my eternal emnity and my pledge to go out of my way to intentionally piss them off.
Again, much like the DJ. These people earn a special place in my hell. Here is my advice:
1. I don't care what new charity you are pushing. I don't want to see pictures of you surrounded by school children unless it's due to allegations of molestation.
2. Don't take credit for nice weather or cringe when it's cloudy. You have nothing to do with the damn weather. If you could effect the weather you wouldn't be predicting it, you would be causing it. So until you're swinging mighty Mjolnir like Thor, holster those claims.
3. Stop the disco moves when you follow the storm fronts across the nation. Weather is boring ergo you are boring...dancing just makes you annoying as well.
4. I don't need you to "break it down" for me. I can fathom that when the H thingy is over my area it's going to be fairly nice out. I don't need you to whip out your Rosetta Stone de weather, thanks.
5. Why is it that when a storm is approaching weathermen always cluster in the weathercenter? What is the storm going to make a sudden break and get away? Do they really have to scrutinize it that closely? Bottom line is even if you had 90 weathermen in the weathercenter it wouldn't change jackshit about the impending storm. Do we really need to know that far in advance that's going to spritz?
6. That brings me to my final suggestion. Install a fucking window in the weathercenter!!! I can't count the number of times I have been "informed" by some moron in the weathercenter that it was pouring outside only to go out to bright sunshine.
7. Common sense is the best weatherman. In my world? Make them eunuchs!
Ok, there is one lane open and we are going straight slowly. Do I really need Zippy the valedictorian of Lemur Tech to wave me forward? I know you have a job because the union says it takes 19 people to change a street light. That's fine with me, but go and sit in the truck while the other two guys fix it. It's no Boeing 747 but I think I can negotiate the taxi between those tricky cones Tarmac Terry.
Well, in particular those who ask "How are we today?" Did I just become plural again? Is she talking about herself in the third person and somehow implying that her well-being has some kind of bearing on my life? "I don't know how you are, but I would be alot better if you gave me my damn deposit slip so I can get away from the Neil Sedaka muzak."